Life of Crime (SpongeBob SquarePants) (transcript) (5/5/2001)

Premiered: Saturday, May 5, 2001

Episode Transcript [Closed Captioning][]

LiFe

oF

Crime

storyboard directed by

Jay Lender

storyboard artist

William Reiss

written by

Jay Lender

William Reiss

Mr. Lawrence

animation director

Sean Dempsey

creative director

Derek Drymon

TV ANNOUNCER:

And now back to

Crustacean Crime Theatre.

THE

K R u S T y

K R a B

ENTER

( snoring )

( laughing evilly )

( gasps )

( laughing )

Stop! Thief!

Which way

did he go?

He went that way!

Let’s get ‘em, boys!

( police yelling )

Curses! Foiled again!

What a no-good eel

in the kelp that guy was!

There ain’t nothin’ worse

than a thief!

Thieves need to be

locked up forever!

They should all be strung up

by their gills

and forced to breathe air!

But Mr. Krabs?

What about all the stuff

you stole?

What do you mean?

Like that barrel.

It says, “Property

of Salty Sea Farms.”

It says, “Property

of Salty Sea Farms.”

P R O P E R T Y O F

S A L T Y S E A

F A R M S

Oh! That’s where I rent

me pickles from!

Are you renting

the barrel?

Well… no.

PRO P

Then you bought it?

No.

PRO P E

Then isn’t that stealing?

Well, I, uh…

PRO P E

What about this towel from

The Sizzling Spring Sauna?

Um… well…

G A L L E

S i z z l i n g

Spr i n g

S A U N A

And this Bikini Bell phone?

Well, uh, it’s…

And Sandy’s hedge clippers?

Oh, they’re…

G A L L E

And Plankton’s lawn mower?

Well, he…

Even Mrs. Puff’s hair curlers?

That one was a gift.

Listen…

All that stuff is, uh…

borrowed.

Borrowed?

Well, that’s a relief.

I thought you took it

without permission.

Ah, permission shmermission!

You can borrow

anything you want, anytime

as long as you get it back

before it’s missed!

as long as you get it back

before it’s missed!

as long as you get it back

before it’s missed!

Everyone knows that! Right?

BOTH:

Okay!

All right then! Hugs?

You put in a hard day’s

work, boys!

PATRICK:

But I don’t work here.

GALLE

O R D E R

H E R E

See ya later!

Oh, that was a close one.

GALLEY GRUB

ORDER

HERE

SPONGEBOB:

What do you want to do today?

I don’t know.

What do you want

to do today?

I don’t know.

What do you want

to do today?

I don’t know.

What do you want

to do today?

I don’t know.

What do you want

to do today?

( gasps )

B A L L o O N S

I know what I want to do today!

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✨✨

I need some money.

Uh…

Oh!

Oh…

A D M i T

O N E

I don’t have

any money.

SpongeBob!

I want a balloon

really, really badly!

Really, really badly!

It’s okay, Patrick.

There’s lots of money

in the First National Bank

of SpongeBob!

Follow me…!

Uh-oh. I’m broke, too.

Maybe we can borrow money

from Squidward.

Wait! Instead of

borrowing the money

why don’t we just borrow

the balloon?!

Yeah, like Mr. Krabs!

It’s just

borrowing,

right?

Yeah! And borrowing

is okay

as long as we bring it

back, right?

Right!

( whistling )

B A L L o O N S

( both laughing )

This is so great!!

We’re going to have

so much fun!

First we can run

with the balloon.

Yeah, then we can

go to the beach

with the balloon!

Then we can take a bike ride

with the balloon.

Then we can go to the movies

and the arcade and the ice rink

and the pizza shop!

And the moon and the sky

and under a car and

behind a dumpster

And the candy shop

and my backyard

and in a plane

and over a rock

and under a hill

and with a whale.

BOTH:

We love borrowing!

It popped.

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BOTH:

Aah…!

How are we going to

return it now, SpongeBob?

I’ve got the pieces!

I found the air!

Hurry, put the pieces on!

We popped the balloon!

Ga-hee…!

We can’t return it!!

Wha-guh…!

We’re thieves!

Hi-yo-hoo…!

We have to confess!

Confess?!

Are you out of

your mind?

Do you have any idea

what they do

to people like us?

We’re not

talking about

some dumb mail

fraud scheme

or hijacking here.

We stole a balloon!

They’re going to

lock us up forever!

You’re right!

We’ve just got to

keep our heads!

Act normal.

( both gibbering wildly )

Wow! Street

performers!

( crowd cheering )

BOTH:

It’s not working!

BOTH:

It’s not working!

BOTH:

Aah…!

BOTH:

Aah…!

B A

( both grunt )

Hi there!

B A L L O O N S

BOTH:

Aah…

Hey! Don’t you want

a free balloon?

N

It’s National Free Balloon Day!

( panting )

He’s on to us!

( panting )

It’s not safe in

Bikini Bottom anymore!

We’ve got to move fast

and cover our tracks!

We’ve got to move fast

and cover our tracks!

I’m on it, SpongeBob!

( both panting )

Take a last look, Patrick.

We can never go back.

Goodbye, Bikini Bottom.

We’ve only got ourselves and

what we can carry on our backs.

Yup.

( grunting )

We’re going to have

to travel lighter.

( crickets chirping )

I want to go home.

We can never

go home, Pat.

We’re wanted men.

We’ll spend the rest of our

lives running… running…

but at least it’s warm

around the fire.

Hey, if we’re underwater,

how can there be a…

I’m scared, SpongeBob!

No more nice warm beds.

Huh?

No more Krabby Patties.

Oh!

No more getting mail!

No more Gary!

No more movies!

No more Squidward!

No more Sandy or Pearl

or Mr. Krabs!

No more anything!

I want ice cream!

But it doesn’t have to

be all bad, right?

I mean… at least

we have each other.

Yeah!

And all that running

is good for your buns

and thighs.

Ja! Buns and thighs.

And the bitter cold?

It’s bracing, isn’t it!

Yeah! Maybe being a felon

could be… fun!

We can loosen our ties.

Yeah!

And we can fly!

Yeah!

Aah…!

( crash )

Okay… we still

can’t do that!

But we don’t

have to shave.

I’m way ahead of you, buddy!

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And you get to talk tough!

( gruff voice ):

This town ain’t big enough

for the two of us.

Let me try!

Uh… hey punk… heh-heh!

And the best part is…

now that we’re felons

we don’t have to return

anything we borrow!

BOTH:

Yeah!

And we owe it all to you!

What are you talking about?

Taking the balloon

was your evil plan.

Oh, I’m nothing

but a lot of talk!

You’re the one

with the sticky fingers.

Aw, Patrick…

you’re the best

bad influence ever!

You, too!

( both sigh happily )

I wish we had something

to eat, though.

Look what I’ve got!

Rectangles!

CANDy

Not just

any rectangles…

candy bars!

C A N D Y

Oh…!

All we have to do is make them

last the rest of our lives!

CANDy

Thanks, SpongeBob!

CANDy

I think I’ll eat it now!

CAND

Ah…

I think I’ll eat it now!

( crunch )

Ow! Who…?

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

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⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Where did my candy bar go?

I must have dropped it!

You just ate it, Pat.

CANDy

It’s all over your face.

Where did it go?

I’m going to starve!

Where did it go?

( grunting )

I can’t find it!

CANDy

Where could it possibly be?

Aha!

C A N D y

What?

You stole my candy bar!

No, I didn’t.

Oh, so that’s

how it is, huh?

Once a thief,

always a thief.

CANDy

You ate yours.

This is mine!

You took my only food.

Now I’m going to starve.

Here, Patrick, just

take half of mine.

Yours? You mean mine!

Do you want it or what?

CANDy

I don’t want it unless

you admit you took it.

This is my candy bar!

CAN D y

Liar liar, plants for hire.

It’s pants on fire, Patrick.

Well, you would know… liar.

Well, if you’re going to be

that way… I’ll eat it myself.

You’d better not.

CAN

I’m warning you!

Ah…

Don’t!

Ah…

Stop it!

Don’t!

Oh!

Mmm…

Argh…!

( squeaking )

( screaming )

Uhm… mmm… mmm…

Argh…!

Uhm… uhm…

Aah…!

( slurps )

Mm-hmm…

You’re

a crazy person!

I should have

expected this

after the way

you stole that balloon!

Did I, Patrick, did I?

Or did your criminal mind

hypnotize me to steal it?!

Ohh…!

That’s it!

Aah… oh-ho…!

First the balloon,

now my candy bar…

you’re out of control!

I’m…

I’m telling on you.

( gasps )

Not if I tell

on you first!

Not if I tell

on you first!

Not if I tell

on you first!

I’ll beat you there!

( huffing and panting )

You’re going to

get in trouble!

You’re going to

get in trouble!

You’re going to

get in trouble!

You’re going to

get in trouble!

No, you… you are!

( huffing and panting )

B B P D

P O L i C E

S T A T i O N

( talking simultaneously,

panting ):

He… I… and I…

and the balloon…

W A N T E D B B P D

And the, and the…

uh, uh… boom… I…

I N C I D E N T R E P O R T

B B P D

What can I do for you, boys?

BOTH:

We stole a balloon!

I N C I D E N T R E P O R T

( crying )

PATRICK:

I’m no good.

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SPONGEBOB:

We stole a balloon!

What’s the problem?

It appears these two

stole a balloon.

What are you

going to do to us?

( whispers )

Okay, follow me.

If you can’t do the time,

don’t do the crime.

1B

Okay, time’s up.

Now get out!

B… but we stole

a balloon!

Yeah…

on Free Balloon Day.

( both laughing )

⭐⭐⭐

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

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🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

🧽🧽🧽🧽 🧽🧽🧽🧽 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

🧽🧽🧽🧽 🧽🧽🧽🧽 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

🧽🧽🧽🧽 🧽🧽🧽🧽 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

How about some lollipops

for the road, boys?

B B P D

Let’s vow never to

borrow anything

without permission

again.

You said it!

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭 🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭 🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭 🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭 🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭 🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭 🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭 🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

All right… which one of you

flatfoots stole my lollipop?

( all laughing )

B B P D

( all laughing )

SPONGEBOB:

Oh brother!

( laughter continues )

PATRICK:

I mean it.

Home Video Releases

SpongeBob SquarePants: Sea Stories VHS & DVD (November 5th, 2002)

SpongeBob SquarePants: The Complete 2nd Season DVD Disc 1 (October 5th, 2004)

SpongeBob SquarePants: The Complete 2nd Season DVD Disc 1 (October 19th, 2004)

SpongeBob SquarePants: The First 100 Episodes DVD Disc 4 (Season 2) (September 22nd, 2009)