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Premiered: Saturday, August 7, 1999

Episode Transcript [Closed Captioning][]

NauGhty       NauticaL

                     NeighboRS

storyboard director

Sherm Cohen

storyboard artist

Aaron Springer

written by

Sherm Cohen

Aaron Springer

Mr. Lawrence

animation director

Fred Miller

creative director

Derek Drymon

SQUIDWARD:

           Wow!

Squidward, this is the best

soufflé you have ever created!

( smacks loudly )

Oh! Congratulations, Chef.

( water running )

( faucet squeaks )

( brushing )

( gargling, then spits )

( someone giggles )

( chair creeks )

( two voices giggling )

( two voices giggling )

( whispering )

SPONGEBOB’S BUBBLE:

Hi, Patrick.

( laughs )

( inhales deeply )

( whispering huskily )

PATRICK’S BUBBLE:

Hi, SpongeBob.

( laughs )

( grumbles )

( SpongeBob laughing )

Patrick, you’re my best friend

in the whole neighborhood.

( mumbling gibberish )

SQUIDWARD:

Patrick, you are

the dumbest idiot

it has ever been

my misfortune to know.

( mumbling gibberish )

PATRICK:

Do you really think

that, SpongeBob?

Of course, Patrick.

Anyone with eyes could see that.

( bubble pops )

PATRICK:

Yeah, well,

I think you’re ugly!

Yellow is ugly!

( blows

a raspberry )

( blows

a raspberry )

Patrick, what are

you talking about?

SQUIDWARD:

SpongeBob,

I no longer

wish to know you…

( gasping )

You give bottom dwellers

a bad name.

( Squidward mumbling )

( Squidward mumbling )

SQUIDWARD:

If I had a dollar

for every brain

you don’t have,

I’d have

one dollar.

( laughing to himself )

SQUIDWARD:

Hey, Patrick,

I heard there

was a job opening

down at

the pet shop…

as some newspaper!

           That makes you

a big dummy, you dummy!

Yeah, well, that means,

that, uh… so are you!

Right,

you’re a turkey!

SPONGEBOB:

What’s that?

PATRICK:

It’s what you are!

Well, you’re

a bigger one.

Well, you’re

still yellow.

You know what

else is yellow?

What?!

You are!

Yeah? Well, it doesn’t matter

                      what you call me

because I never want

to see you again anyway!

( chomping loudly )

( door squeaks open )

Aw, tartar sauce!

( slams )

( grunts )

( crash )

( laughing )

( gagging and gulping )

( fork sproinging )

( whistle sliding upward )

( bell rings )

K                  -                    O

Whoa, Squidward, you’re choking!

Oh… I know

what to do,

but I should wash

my hands first.

Oh, well.

( inhaling deeply )

( exhaling )

( suckers popping )

( sputtering )

( spits )

I win!

Wow! Patrick!

You saved me.

I did?

Yep.

You’re a real

lifesaver, friend.

Friend?

Friend!

Ee…

yeah, Patrick,

we’re friends.

Just friends.

So, what are we

going to do tonight,

best friend?

Well, I was

going to practice

my clarinet solo.

Clarinet?

I love music!

Aw, who needs them?

They’re no fun anyway,

right, Gary?

Gary?

( hollow knocks )

         SQUIDWARD:

Squidward will be

performing his version

of “Solitude in E Minor.”

Yeah!

E minor, all right, yeah!

( inhaling )

( begins playing )

( snoring )

( snoring )

( snoring )

Aw, what am I worried about?

I got plenty of friends.

           I can name three

right off the bat.

Uh…

The gang’s all three.

Oh!

( grunting and grumbling )

( something snaps )

Oh, oh, my back!

I threw out my back.

Oh, boy!

Now’s my chance.

SpongeBob? No, no, stay back!

Don’t worry, Squidward,

           I’m coming!

No, no, no, get away from me!

Hang on, I’ll save you!

                       SQUIDWARD:

No, no, no, get away from me!

                                 No, no!

Hold on!

No! No! Get away!

( yelling )

( crack )

Ow, I’m ruined!

I… I… I…

I feel great.

Thanks, SpongeBob.

You’re a real friend.

( trancelike ):

Friend…

                       No, no, no, no!

I didn’t mean that. No. no.

Don’t worry,

Squiddy old pal.

That’s what

friends are for.

                    SPONGEBOB:

                       So dumb Patrick

fell asleep on you, huh?

Some friend!

A real friend

would perform for you.

You play?

Are you kidding?

I’ve been playing

bassinet for years.

Give me

an A, buddy.

( plays a note )

♪ Squidward is my best friend

           in the world… ♪

( strings grating raucously )

                      ♪ Squidward is

my best friend in the sea ♪

( Squidward yells )

( grumbles )

♪ Squidward… ♪

♪ Likes Patrick

more than SpongeBob ♪

♪ Patrick is a dirty,

stinky, rotten friend,

Squidward! ♪

Um, I can fix this.

( growling and grumbling )

( shout, thud )

So, uh, I’ll see you

tomorrow, Squidward.

Call me.

                       SQUIDWARD:

Ugh! That was disgusting!

Feel like I need

to scrub myself.

( screaming )

            Hey, buddy,

I warmed it up for you.

Patrick, get out!

And put

some clothes on.

What’s the matter,

Squidward old buddy?

( gasps )

Oh, ho!

So this is

what I find, huh?!

My best friend and

my ex-best friend and…

rubber bath toys!

( both arguing at once )

( yells )

This can’t be happening to me!

( door opens and closes )

SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK:

           Squidward!

SPONGEBOB:

           Buddy!

                                  PATRICK:

Squidward, where are you?

           SQUIDWARD:

Oh, this is nuts!

I need a plan to get

those two back together

and out of my hair.

( doorbell rings )

( sniffs )

Squidward!

A dinner party?

I’d love to!

( knocking at door )

Did you miss me?

Come on in.

You look stunning.

I’d much rather

dine with you

than that lousy…

Say, what gives?!

I’m not sitting

near that maniac!

Me, neither!

This was a setup.

I thought you two

were my best friends.

                                                         I am your

I am your                                          best friend.

best friend.

Well, how about some soda, guys?

Yes, please.

Thanks, friend.

           How about some

for your best friend?

SPONGEBOB:

Thanks…

best friend.

( gulping )

Can I have

some now, buddy?

Wait!

I need some more.

I still

didn’t get any.

There you go.

More, please.

( gulping )

Squidward!

Squidward!

Squidward!

Squidward!

Hey, Squidward!

Squidward!

Squidward!

Hey, Squidward!

                       SQUIDWARD:

Patrick, your glass is full.

Oh, yeah.

Squidward!

                                              Hey, Squidward!

Squidward!

Squidward!

Hey, Squidward!

Squidward!

Squidward!

Squidward!

Hey, Squidward!

Squidward!

                                              Squidward!

Sorry, boys, I’m all out of pop.

I’m going to go get some more.

Why don’t you just

stay here and chat?

( whistling casually )

( hiccups )

( belches loudly )

( laughing )

( laughing )

( both laughing uproariously )

( both laughing uproariously )

( creaking )

( laughter continuing )

( deep groan )

( crash )

I should just walk away

           right now.

What a surprise…

I invited them in

and I left them alone.

                      Well, Squidward,

what have we learned today?

Guess what, Squidward?

Me and SpongeBob

are friends again.

Great. Go be friends

           somewhere else.

Don’t you want us to help you

clean this up a little?

No! Out!

Psst! I think

he’s jealous.

How pathetic.

( slams )

Ow… my back.

Episode Transcript [Closed Captioning][]

  • Home Video Releases:

SpongeBob SquarePants: The Complete 1st Season DVD Disc 1 (October 28th, 2003)

SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeGuard on Duty VHS (June 1st, 2004)

SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeGuard on Duty DVD (June 1st, 2004)

SpongeBob SquarePants: The First 100 Episodes DVD Disc 1 (Season 1) (September 22nd, 2009)

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