Opposite Day (SpongeBob SquarePants) (transcript) (9/11/1999)

Premiered: Saturday, September 11, 1999

Episode Transcript [Closed Captioning][]

OPPOSiTE

DAY

OPPOSiTE

DAY

storyboard director

Chuck Klein

storyboard artist

Jay Lender

written by

Chuck Klein

Jay Lender

Mr. Lawrence

animation director

Tom Yasumi

creative director

Derek Drymon

( crowing )

( snoring )

( SpongeBob and Patrick

jabbering )

Huh?

( jabbering stops )

( jabbering resumes )

Huh?!

Happy Birthday

( blows noisemaker )

BOTH:

Surprise!

Happy birthday, Squidward!

♪ Happy, happy birthday! ♪

♪ Happy birthday cake! ♪

♪ Happy, happy birthday! ♪

♪ Pin the tail

on the sea horse! ♪

♪ Happy, happy birthday! ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Squidward! ♪

( SpongeBob cheering,

noisemakers blaring )

SPONGEBOB:

So long, Squidward,

bye-bye.

Don’t do anything

I wouldn’t do.

PATRICK:

Another year older.

It’s not my birthday!

That’s it!

I’m moving out

of this neighborhood.

REALTOR:

Absolutely, Mr. Tentacles.

I can sell your home

in a heartbeat.

Oh, that’s great news

BikiNi

REALTY

Oh, that’s great news

because I want to move

as soon as possible.

No problem… as long as it’s

not infested with nematodes

kiNi

LTY

or surrounded

by troublesome neighbors

or something like that.

Oh, sure, there’s none of that.

Did you say neighbors?

Of course! I can’t tell you

how many times

I’ve seen a sale fall through

how many times

I’ve seen a sale fall through

because of bad neighbors.

Neighbors, uh…

Anyway, I’ll be by tomorrow

to check out the house.

ikiNi

EALTY

Anyway, I’ll be by tomorrow

to check out the house.

Anyway, I’ll be by tomorrow

to check out the house.

See you then.

SpongeBob.

No one will ever buy my house

with him living next door.

No one will ever buy my house

with him living next door.

Whatever a good neighbor

must do, he does the opposite.

Opposite… opposite.

( rooster crowing )

( cacophonous music playing )

( yells )

GARY

( cacophonous music playing )

( yells )

GARY

( playing loudly )

Uh, Squidward…

why are you

playing the drum?

Drum?

What drum?

This is just

my wig case, see?

( cackles )

Come on, SpongeBob, tackle me!

Squidward, you need bed rest.

I’ll keep

you safe

until you’re

well again.

until you’re

well again.

Oh, I get it.

You don’t know what

day it is, do you?

Uh, Wednesday?

Why, it’s opposite day.

You mean you’ve never heard

of it?

Boy, have you been missing out.

Opposite day is

the one day

of the year

when you get

to act different.

when you get

to act different.

Normally I’m

stuffy and boring

Normally I’m

stuffy and boring

Normally I’m

stuffy and boring

but today I’m silly

and spontaneous.

but today I’m silly

and spontaneous.

but today I’m silly

and spontaneous.

( giggles )

Does everybody know

about opposite day?

Oh, sure.

It’s a game, get it?

Oh, a game.

Yeah.

Normally, you’re

really loud and annoying

so what are you

going to be today?

Quiet and out of the way.

Yay!

Yeah.

Why don’t you get a jump on it.

( exuberantly ):

I love…

( exuberantly ):

I love…

( gruffly ):

I mean, I hate

opposite day.

( giggles )

( yelling ):

I’m not ready.

So long, chum.

And good-bye, Bikini Bottom.

( door slams )

Gary, it’s opposite day

and I’m--

Gary, it’s opposite day

and I’m--

walk, don’t run--

and I’m going to…

Opposite, opposite.

I’m just going to crawl into bed

and do nothing all day.

I’m just going to crawl into bed

and do nothing all day.

I’m just going to crawl into bed

and do nothing all day.

Too bad it only comes

once a year, huh, Gary?

Too bad it only comes

once a year, huh, Gary?

( meows )

Gary, where’s

your holiday spirit?

Gary, where’s

your holiday spirit?

( barks )

( doorbell rings )

Company!

I hate company.

Who’s there?

It’s Patrick.

Patrick… go away!

I never want to see you again!

( giggles )

( whimpers )

( sobbing )

SpongeBob doesn’t

like me anymore.

That’s right.

You’re my worst enemy.

( sobbing )

Patrick, you’re not

really not my friend.

Patrick, you’re not

really not my friend.

It’s just opposite day.

Opposite day?

Hey, I’ve

heard of that.

You have?

No, what is it?

Well, whatever

you normally do

today you do

the opposite.

Let me try,

let me try.

( straining )

🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽

🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽

🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽🧽

( still straining )

Patrick!

Patrick, breathe!

( exhales loudly )

( gasping )

Not that opposite.

Let me show you how to do it…

the wrong way.

Meow.

GARY

Meow.

( speaking gibberish )

( laughing )

Say, want to help me

do some work

around the house,

worst enemy?

Nope.

( laughing )

( Squidward cackles )

Nearly noon

and not a peep from SpongeBob.

Nearly noon

and not a peep from SpongeBob.

Nearly noon

and not a peep from SpongeBob.

I’m almost sorry I’m leaving.

FRAGILE

I’m almost sorry I’m leaving.

( cackles )

FRAGILE

( cackles )

Opposite day.

( crashing )

SpongeBob, what are you…?

( yells )

Hello, Squidward.

Oop, I mean,

good-bye, Squidward.

Oop, I mean,

good-bye, Squidward.

Isn’t opposite day… terrible.

( laughs )

I’ll tell you what’s terrible:

Living next to you.

I’ll tell you what’s terrible:

Living next to you.

You’re the

worst neighbor

in history.

You’re the

worst neighbor

in history.

Wow! That’s the nicest thing

Squidward has ever said to me.

If the real estate agent

sees that mess

If the real estate agent

sees that mess

I’ll never sell this house.

PATRICK:

Isn’t it beautiful?

On opposite day it is.

( rumbling )

Out of the way, SpongeBob!

( hammer pounding )

I don’t get it.

I made my house

a mess

which was

making it clean

which made Squidward

clean my yard

but that really means

he’s messing it up.

But the opposite

of clean is filth

which means

filth is clean.

That means Squidward’s

really making my

yard a wreck

but I’d normally

wreck my own yard

but I’d normally

wreck my own yard

so Squidward’s

being the opposite

of Squidward

so Squidward’s

being the opposite

of Squidward

so Squidward’s

being the opposite

of Squidward

so Squidward’s

being the opposite

of Squidward

which means

he’s SpongeBob.

which means

he’s SpongeBob.

which means

he’s SpongeBob.

Aha! I understand

everything now.

Aha! I understand

everything now.

Aha! I understand

everything now.

I must be the opposite

of SpongeBob by being…

Squidward.

Hey…

I want to be opposite, too.

Yeah, finally!

Yoo-hoo!

♪ I’m Squidward,

I’m Squidward ♪

♪ Squidward, Squidward. ♪

Wait.

It’s not enough to look like

Squidward to be opposite.

It’s not enough to look like

Squidward to be opposite.

It’s not enough to look like

Squidward to be opposite.

It’s not enough to look like

Squidward to be opposite.

It’s not enough to look like

Squidward to be opposite.

It’s not enough to look like

Squidward to be opposite.

It’s not enough to look like

Squidward to be opposite.

( imitating Squidward ):

You have to act like him, too.

( imitating Squidward ):

You have to act like him, too.

Boy, oh, boy, do I like

playing the clarinet.

I practice and practice

all day long

but I never get any better.

( in his own voice ):

Now you try.

Okay.

( inhales )

♪ I’m Squidward, Squidward,

Squidward, Squidward. ♪

♪ I’m Squidward, Squidward,

Squidward, Squidward. ♪

BOTH:

♪ I’m Squidward, I’m Squidward ♪

BOTH:

♪ I’m Squidward, I’m Squidward ♪

♪ Squidward, Squidward. ♪

After you,

Mr. Squidward.

After you,

Mr. Squidward.

Why, thank you,

Mr. Squidward.

You’re quite welcome,

Mr. Squidward.

Opposite day.

Next time it’s going to be

“go jump off a cliff” day.

Next time it’s going to be

“go jump off a cliff” day.

( tires squeal )

BikiNi

REALTy

Oh, my.

BikiNi

REALTy

Oh, my.

The house is even more beautiful

in person.

Hello, mist…

BikiNi

REALTy

Hello, mist…

Um, Mr. Tentacles?

Yes, please come in.

I pictured you

being much taller.

Yeah, everyone

says that.

Now, if you want

the sale to go through

Now, if you want

the sale to go through

you’ve got to tell me

all the positive

things about

your house.

all the positive

things about

your house.

Positive things-- opposite day.

I’d love to.

The floor creaks,

the roof leaks.

There’s

a terrible draft.

Uh… well, you didn’t

mention that on the phone.

Uh… well, you didn’t

mention that on the phone.

Uh… well, you didn’t

mention that on the phone.

Please let me finish.

The winters are hard.

The summers are brutal.

There’s a wild man-eating clam

in the backyard.

Now, would you care to see

the rest of my home?

Now, would you care to see

the rest of my home?

Well, I’m not sure

if I’m interested.

Nonsense.

I won’t take no

for an answer.

( honking )

Please follow me.

And here’s the worst room

in the house: my gallery.

Oh, my, this painting

is very nice.

Thank you.

( screams )

Who’s that?

I’d like to introduce

you to Mr. Squidward.

You’re both Squidward?

I’m Squidward.

He’s Squidward.

BOTH:

We’re both Squidward.

( sighs )

Well, that’s done.

At least SpongeBob

has been quiet.

BikiNi

REALTy

BikiNi

REALTy

( screams ):

No!

( playing squeakily )

Okay, I really

don’t want to

hear another one.

Okay.

( tooting )

I really don’t

want to hear more,

thank you.

I hear you

loud and clear.

( tooting )

SQUIDWARD:

Stop!

Get away from her!

Oh, oh, I am so sorry, ma’am.

I-I hope these

two barnacle-heads

I-I hope these

two barnacle-heads

I-I hope these

two barnacle-heads

haven’t harmed you in any way.

Who are you?

Why, I’m Squidward.

What kind of fool

do you take me for?

What kind of fool

do you take me for?

He’s Squidward?

You’re Squidward?

I’m Squidward!

Are there any other

Squidwards I should

know about?

( in Squidward’s voice ):

Meow.

I’m out of here.

Ma’am, please.

What about my house?

I wouldn’t sell a house for you

if you were

the last Squidward on Earth!

Wait!

Don’t…

go!

( screams )

No, no, no!

Please sell my house.

Never!

Don’t leave me here!

( crying )

BOTH:

Happy opposite day, Squidward.

We hate you.

Let me show you guys

how much I hate you.

Let me show you guys

how much I hate you.

( engine revs )

( yelling )

Patrick, you ever feel

that Squidward

likes us too much?

Happy opposite day!

Ending Credits[]

“OPPOSiTE DAY”

EXECUTiVE PRODUCER

Stephen Hillenburg

LiNE PRODUCER

Donna Castricone

ART DiRECTOR

Nicholas R. Jennings

SUPERViSiNG DiRECTOR

Alan Smart

STORY EDiTOR

Peter Burns

WRiTERS

Peter Burns

Mr. Lawrence

Carl Greenblatt

Derek Drymon

Stephen Hillenburg

SCRiPT COORDiNATOR

Alex Gordon

Carlos AlazraQui ……………………. Scallops and clams (Clam)

Rodger Bumpass ……… Squidward Tentacles (character)

Tom Kenny ………………. SpongeBob SquarePants (character),

Seahorse (debut; on a poster), Shelley,

Gary the Snail (character)

Bill Fagerbakke …………….. Patrick Star (character),

Seahorse (debut; on a poster)

Sirena irwin …. Incidental 49A (debut) (Real Estate Agent),

Incidentals

CASTiNG DiRECTOR

Donna Grillo

CASTiNG COORDiNATOR

Alex Gordon

EXECUTiVE ASSiSTANT

Jennie Monica

SUPERViSiNG SOUND ENGiNEER

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2ND ENGiNEER

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The Blue Hawaiians

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Lovecat Music

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

THEME SONG

LYRiCS BY

Stephen Hillenburg

Derek Drymon

COMPOSED BY

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PERFORMED BY

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Home Video Releases

SpongeBob SquarePants: Laugh Your Pants Off VHS (July 29th, 2003)

SpongeBob SquarePants: Tide and Seek DVD (July 29th, 2003)

SpongeBob SquarePants: The Complete 1st Season DVD (Disc 2) (October 28th, 2003)

Nicktoons Collection: Volume 2 Game Boy Advance Video (September 7th, 2004)

SpongeBob SquarePants: The First 100 Episodes DVD (Disc 2) (Season 1) (September 22nd, 2009)