Cygwin Wiki

Premiered: Friday, March 22, 2002

Episode Transcript [Closed Captioning][]




storyboard director

Aaron Springer

storyboard artist

C.H. Greenblatt

written by

Aaron Springer

C.H. Greenblatt

Merriwether Williams

animation director

Frank Weiss

creative director

Derek Drymon


K R u S T y

K R a B


Pardon me, young lady.

What a fox.

C O N D i M E N T

I  S L  A  N  D

( sinister laughter )


( laughing )

You’re all mine,

you sweet Krabby Patty.

( chuckling ):

Ooh, whoo!

( sinister laughter )

( alarm blaring )

Initiating launch sequence.

Krabby Patty, here I come!

Eh, I hope I don’t miss again.

( squirts )

Reunited, and it’s going

to feel so good!

( laughing )

( engine racing )

( yells )

Oh, ho, ho, sweet wampum.


( ricocheting clanks )

Huh?! What’s that?!

Squidward, where are you?!

Shield me with your forehead!


it was just another failed

Krabby Patty theft attempt

by my arch-competitor,


( deep laughter )

M r .    KR A BS

For a second there,

I mistook you for a threat

but you’re just

a dirty, little man.

So long, shrimp!

( crash )


K R u S T y

K R a B

Curse you, Mr. Krabs!

C h U M

B u C k E  T

( clunk )


( yawns )

So, typical day of failure,

I see, huh, darling?

Oh, can it, computer wife.

Can’t you see I’m exhausted?

Why don’t you go

make yourself useful

and synthesize me up some grub?

Yes, Your Majesty.

What do we got here?

Oh, goodie!

Holographic meatloaf again.

When am I going to get

some real food?

Mr. Krabs gets to eat real food.

Just look at his daughter.

She’s as big as a whale.

I wish I could be successful

like Mr. Krabs.

I wish I could somehow

just switch lives with him

just to know what it’s like.

( gulping )

Then why don’t you just use

that Switch-Lives-Just-to-Know-

What-It’s-Like-O-Macrofier thing

you built last Tuesday?


( spitting )

What a brilliant idea!

Your parents

must have been, like

part computer or something.


( electronic humming )

Now, let’s see here.





Well, I hate to leave you,


but you know what they say:

“a rolling stone gathers

no algae.”

( screaming )

( slurping )


( screaming continues )

( groaning )

Oh, dear Neptune above!

What happened last night?


What’s this?

“Mr. Plankton”?

M R .   P L  A  N  k  T  o  N

Who the davey…?

( crunching, murmuring )

Huh? I’m in the Krusty Krab.

And that means the life switcher

was a success!

The Krusty Krab is mine!

Corporate casual.


Order up!

Two deluxe

Krabby Patties.

( sizzling )

( pop )

At last!

( humming )

There you are, sir.

Two deluxe…

Ahoy, there,

Mr. Plankton.

Er, uh, hey, there,

uh, SpongeBob.

Uh, SpongeBob…

Yes, sir?

I’m going to need

to take one of these patties

back to my office

for, uh… bun inspection.

I’m afraid you

can’t do that

Mr. Plankton.

But why not?

Because that patty is

for the customer, sir.

The customer?

I’ll boil the customer

in hot oil

and I’ll rip out his…!

I mean, yes, of course,

for the lovely customer.

But you can

take these

patties, sir.

I made them

on the off chance

you decided to instigate

some bun inspection

today, Mr. Plankton, sir.

Uh, yes.

Uh, very nice.

Um, thanks.

( fast pattering feet )

( slams )

All mine!

It’s finally all mine!

The patties…

the wealth…

the notoriety…

B u s i n e s s

A w a r d


of  The Krusty Krab

December   i s s u e

C l a m  $



the… SpongeBob?

What do you want?

Well, it’s just that

it’s Tuesday again, sir

and I was wondering

if I could have my…

uh… my, uh…

weekly performance review.


Oh, yes,

please, sir, please!

But I’ve never reviewed


except for those foreign

exercise videos

my cousin sent me.

Oh, please, sir!

I want to make you

so happy and proud!

Ah, you’re doing fine.

Now leave me to my work.


But sir…

I thought I sent

you away, Cretan!

But sir, there’s got to be

something I need to improve on.


All right, the sauce.

( gasps )


The sauce, I don’t know.

You’re using

too much sauce, okay?

Review’s over.

( stammering )


( stammering )

What’s the matter with you?

All I said was

a little too much sauce.

It’s no big deal, really.

( whimpering )

What do you want from me,

a promotion?

A pro… a promot…

a promotion?!

Uh, sure, kid,

you’re, uh…

you’re on register now.

( gasps )


Glad that’s over.

( kissing )


N O W !

SpongeBob, do you remember

that little talk we had

about personal space?

It’s okay, Squidward,

I’m official. Look!

C O - C A S H i E R


So, have you two

known each other long?

( loud clang )

You can’t do this to me,

Mr. Plankton!

If you think I’m going

to stand out there all day

listening to…

( jabbering )

…then you must have coral

wedged in your frontal lobe!

So what do you want me to do

about it?

I’d like my view

to be a little less yellow

if you know what I mean.

( sizzling )

Hope you like gray.

Hey, Squidward, I can see you

through this little window.

( grunts )

Now, no more intrusions.

I’d like to begin writing

the memoirs of my success story.

So everyone just stay the…

( pounding ):


Daddy! Daddy, Daddy,

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

( groaning )

Just tell Daddy

what you want!


He’s very busy!

Could I please have a, um…

an advance on my allowance?

If it’ll get you

out of my antennae.

( cash register bell dings )

Go crazy.

One dollar!

You hate me!

( crying )

( gasping )

( bombs dropping )

( yelling )




You think

this is funny?

In a cosmic sort of way, yes.

Well, Mr. Funny Man

is this how you get

your sick kicks?!

What? It’s just

an ordinary Krabby…

Oh, my goodness!



I tried,

Mr. Plankton.

I really did.

Oh, what now?

A customer ordered

A medium soda

and I gave him a large.

I gave him a large!

I’ve soiled

the good Krusty Krab name!

( repeating ):

Soiled it! Soiled it…!

I command you to stop that.

Stop that, and return

to your post!

Soiled it!

Soiled it…!

Where’s the off button

on this thing?

Okay, Daddy, I’ve decided

I’m going to run away.

Run away and find

a new daddy!

Make it stop!

( alarm blaring )

What, did I say the secret word?

No, sir.

He’s back.

Who’s back? What?

( whoosh )

What was that?!

Man your stations!

Red alert! Red alert!

Take cover!

( all yelling )

Take cover from what?!

He’s around here somewhere.

There he goes!

What? Who? Where?

Somebody tell me!

Some say he crawled out

from the lowest trench

in the ocean.

He’s the saltiest

of all of the sea dogs.

He’s the most hated creature

in Bikini Bottom.

And he’s finally got

a Krabby Patty!

( sinister laughter )

Krabs?! What the barnacle

is going on here?!

It’s your arch-competitor--


His goal in life

is to steal a Krabby Patty

and ruin our restaurant.

That’s terrible!

Yeah! But the worst part

of it is…

( pounding )

Good grief,

he’s naked!

( sinister laughter )

Clothe me if you can,

silly landlubbers!

( laughing )

I’m going to make you

eat those words, Krabs!

( laughter )

No, shirt, no shoes…

no service!

( machine-gun firing )

( pinging )

( laughing )


Ah, you got me!

Well, at least it’s underwire.

Here’s your stinking patty!

I don’t understand.

Is there a gas leak in here?

Knick-knack, the patty’s back.

You did it, Mr. Plankton.

Victory screech!

( howling )

( all howling )

Enjoy your victory screech,


because someday the Krabby Patty

formula will be mine!

You’ll never get

this formula

you twisted fiend!

Oh, but I will!

Even if I have

to come back tomorrow

and the next day

and the next day

and the next day

and the next day

and the next day

and the next day

and the next day

and the next day

next day

and the next day

and the next day

and the next day…

Phone call,

Mr. Plankton.

the next day,

and the next day

and the next day

and the next day…

( screams )

( groans )

It’s not worth it!

It’s just not worth it!

Good-bye, everyone.

I’ll remember you all

in therapy.

( buzzing )

( moans )

Holographic meatloaf…

my favorite!

( humming )

( gulping )

C h U M


( gulping and humming continue )

  • Home Video Releases

SpongeBob SquarePants: Sea Stories DVD (November 5th, 2002)

SpongeBob SquarePants: The Complete 3rd Season DVD Disc 1 (September 27th, 2005)

SpongeBob SquarePants: The First 100 Episodes DVD Disc 6 (Season 3) (September 22nd, 2009)

SpongeBob SquarePants: 10 Happiest Moments DVD (September 14th, 2010)