Cygwin Wiki

Premiered: Wednesday, March 22, 2000

Episode Transcript [Closed Captioning][]



storyboard director

Aaron Springer

storyboard artist

Erik Wiese

written by

Aaron Springer

Erik Wiese

Mr. Lawrence

animation director

Sean Dempsey

creative director

Derek Drymon

W   e   l    c    o   m   e

                      T  o

G   O   O

    L    A      G  O   O     N

W   e   l    c    o   m   e

                      T  o

G   O   O

    L    A      G  O   O     N                                                 C   B

C   B

( evil laughter )

Attention, beachgoers!

You are trespassing!

C   B

You have exactly 17 minutes

to haul your carcasses

off of the future site

of the Chum Bucket Mega Bucket.

F   u  t  u  r  e       S i  t   e

       T  h  e

M     E          G    A

B    U   C  K  E    T    !

Do you hear


( high-pitched voice

              over bullhorn )

L  i F E g  U  a  R  D

Okay, have it your way!

I don’t mind bulldozing

over each

and every one…

Mommy, look.

C   B

           Somebody left

this toy tractor here.

C   B

Put that down,


That has germs

on it.


C         B

Aw, Mom…

C   B

You’ll see!

You’ll all see!

                      The future site

of the Chum Bucket Mega Bucket

must be cleared

of these cretinous beachgoers,

but it’s becoming

increasingly obvious!

I can deny it no longer!

I am small.

B u B - O                                                                                                                                   C   B

I need someone big

to clear the beach for me.

u   B   -   O

I need…

B    u  B - O


B    u  B - O

♪ Steppin’ on the beach,

           roo-to to-too ♪

♪ Steppin’ on the beach,

           roo-to to-too ♪

♪ Steppin’ on the beach,

           roo-to to-too ♪

♪ Steppin’ on the beach,

           roo-to to-too ♪

Yes. He’s the one.

( evil laughter )

I  C  E

   C  R  E  A  M

I’ll have one…

two please.


I  C  E

   C  R  E  A  M

One, please.

I  C  E

   C  R  E  A  M

Excuse me.

I  C  E

   C  R  E  A  M

One, please.

I  C  E

   C  R  E  A  M

Sorry, kid,

we’re all out.

Aw, barnacles.

I  C  E

   C  R  E  A  M

( sobbing )

( sobbing )

Plankton, what are

you doing here?

And why are you crying?

Oh, hi, SpongeBob.

I’m crying because I’ve got

these two ice cream cones,

but I only need one.

( sobbing )

I don’t know what to do

with the other one.

( sobbing )

I’ll eat one of those

ice cream cones for you.


would you do that for me?






Isn’t it great

to get the things you desire?

Like that ice cream cone,

                       for instance.

Like that ice cream cone,

                       for instance.

You can have anything you want

           with a little training.


Yes. You just have to learn

to be more assertive,

and I can show you how.

Assertive, huh?

That’s right.

Anything I want?

Sounds great!


( evil laughter )

( evil laughter )

( both laughing )


Don’t let that guy sit on you.

Assertiveness lesson number one.

Tell him to get off.

Um… excuse me, sir.

Y-you’re sitting

on my body,

which is also my face.

No, no, be assertive.


Not insertive.

SpongeBob, you

missed your chance.

You’ve got to be aggressive

to get the things you want.

You’re too soft.

But I’m a spong…

Don’t say it.

( slurping )

There’s the guy who

took your ice cream.

Don’t you want it back?

Ice cream.

Listen, you.

My friend’s got

something to say.

What? Who said that?

Was it you?

Tell him off, SpongeBob.

Assert yourself.

That’s my ice cream cone.


Now let him have it!

You can have it.

Say, thanks.


I’ll show you how.

Hey, pencil-neck!

Yeah, you!

Slither over here!

Surrender that ice cream cone

or every waking moment

for you will become

a swirling torrent

of pain and misery!

( sobbing )

Hey, that guy was crying.

Those were

tears of joy.

He was happy

that you were assertive.


You see how wonderful

life can be

when you’re maniacal?

           Uh, I thought

it was called assertive.


Well, if it got me

           this ice cream,

then I like it.

( beeping )

I found something.

Uh, excuse me, my

metal detector broke.

Can I use yours?



This is your

next lesson.

Be aggressive.

Tell that guy to take a hike.

Do you want to take

a hike with me?


Now look what

you’ve done!

Tell that guy to go

fall in a ditch.

Hey, go check

in that ditch.

Wow. Buried treasure.


Did you see that, Plankton?

That guy found

some buried treasure.

SpongeBob, you’ll

never get it right.

Tell that guy you know karate

and you’ll tie him in a knot

                       if you don’t get

your metal detector back.

Hey! I’m going to

tie your… shoe

if you don’t

give that back!

But I’m wearing


Okay! Never mind!

It’s all right, Plankton.

He’s wearing sandals.

What’s the matter?

Oh, nothing, SpongeBob.


I was just beginning to think

that this is a waste of time.

No, it’s not.

Forget it.

I guess you don’t have what it

takes to be a standup guy.

Well, what

about airline food?


Airline food!

My gosh, what is up

with that stuff?

Thank you. Good night.

( rimshot )

See, I can be

a standup guy. See?

SpongeBob, you’ll never

get what you want.

You always let people

step all over you.

You’re just like stairs.

Wait, Plankton,

give me another chance.

Okay, but this is

your last chance.

Look at all

those beach hogs

soaking up

your sun rays.

Do you have what it

takes to get a tan?

Just watch me!

( all coughing )

( all coughing )

Man, this thing is san… dy!

            Yes, my plan

is beginning to work.

            Yes, my plan

is beginning to work.

They’re leaving the beach.

SpongeBob, that

was wonderful.

Is that an all-over tan?

Well, not all of me.

Hot dogs!

Hot dogs!

S   N  A  C   K

     B    A   R

S   N  A  C   K

     B    A   R

Look at that

huge line

at the hot

dog stand.

Assert yourself

to the front.

I’ll do better

than that.

Let’s go home.

S   N  A  C   K

     B    A   R

SpongeBob, that

was genius.

Look at all

those kite-flyers

blocking your view.



your wind.


( growling )

Hey, SpongeBob,

throw us the ball.

( trumpeting )

What do we

do now?

Let’s just go home,

I guess.

Ha! Plankton, did you see that?

I was a regular alpha male.

( panting )


( engine starting )


Plankton, all my asserting

has driven everybody away.


You didn’t tell me

everyone would leave.


Mega bucket!

F  u  t  u  r  e      S  i  t   e    o  f

      T h  e

M     E        G    A

B   U  C  K  E    T   !

            You used me

for land development.

That wasn’t nice.

Haven’t you figured

it out, SpongeBob?

Nice guys finish last.

Only aggressive people

conquer the world.

( evil laughter )


what about aggressively

           nice people?


What are

you doing?

Hot dogs! Yay!

     S   N  A  C   K

          B    A   R


Hot dogs! Yay!

     S   N  A  C   K

          B    A   R


( panting )

( panting )

( cheering )

Wait, SpongeBob, stop!

Butterfly kisses.

I… can’t take it.

It’s too cute.

It’s, it’s disgusting!

What happened?

I hit a reef

with my new board, dude.

No problem.



SpongeBob, stop--

before it’s too late.

                       Your kindness

is bringing everybody back.

Get back!


Ooh! Ouch! Ow! Ow!

No! Ooh! Ow!


Thanks, dude.

That was awesome.

( groaning )

( groaning )

Gee, Plankton.

I’m sorry about

the Chum Bucket.

Forget about that.

I just can’t take so much

kindness at one sitting.

Need… hatred.

Volleyball, anyone?




( laughing )


( laughing )


( laughing )


  • Home Video Releases:

SpongeBob SquarePants: The Complete 1st Season DVD (Disc 3) (October 28th, 2003)

SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeGuard on Duty VHS (June 1st, 2004)

SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeGuard on Duty DVD (June 1st, 2004)

SpongeBob SquarePants: The First 100 Episodes DVD (Disc 3) (Season 1) (September 22nd, 2009)